English is Fun

矛盾英語：令人不解的語言

外國人學英語，都希望找到一些造字用字的原則，可是看完這篇文章，你會越學越糊塗。

• There's no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. 茄子裡沒有雞蛋成分，為什麼把它稱為「雞蛋植物」？漢堡裡沒有火腿，為什麼叫他做「火腿堡」？鳳梨裡既沒有松樹也沒有蘋果，何以稱之為「松樹蘋果」？ 

• English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.  「英式圓餅」不是英國人發明的，「法國薯條」也與法國人無關。「甜肉」指的是糖果。「甜麵包」既無甜味，也非麵包，而是指動物的內臟。

• We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.  大家都接受英文為溝通共具，其實荒謬之處甚多，例如：叫做 Quicksand 的流沙，是慢慢地讓人滅頂，一點也不快。叫做圓形拳擊場 Boxing Ring 的地方，其實是方形的。叫做幾內亞豬的天竺鼠(Guinea Pig)，既非來自幾內亞，也不是豬。

• If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, two geese. So one moose, two meese? One index, two indices? 假如牙齒Tooth的複數是Teeth，為何攤位Booth的複數不是Beeth?一隻鵝叫Goose二隻鵝叫Geese，為何一隻麋鹿叫moose，二隻麋鹿不能叫Meese?

• If teachers taught, why didn't preacher praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue? 假如老師傳道叫Teacher taught (過去式)，那牧師傳道為什麼不能比照寫成Preacher praught?素食者（vegetarian）吃的是素菜（vegetables），那人道主義者（humanitarian）就不是得吃人了嗎？

• Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways? "Recite at a play" （在劇中朗誦）和 "Play at a recital" （在演唱會中演出）都是一樣的字組成的，為何意義大相逕庭？Ship by truck或者send cargo by ship到底是用船運還是卡車運呢？Noses that run不是指鼻子會跑步，而是流鼻涕：feet that smell也不是腳有嗅覺，而是腳有臭味。你既可以在車道上停車（Park on driveways），也可以在停車道上開車（Drive on parkways）。

• How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?  為什麼兩個意思相反的詞（slim 是苗條，fat 是肥胖）都可以用來表示機會渺茫( slim chance, fat chance)？為什麼有智慧的人叫wise man，但是自做聰明的人就叫做 wise guy？Overlook 和 oversee都是「看」，但前者的意思卻是「漏看」（疏忽），而後者卻是「細看」（監督）？”a lot”是很多的意思，”a few”是很少的意思，為什麼前面加上quite這個字，就都表示「不少」？(quite a lot 和 quite a few)？為什麼形容天氣熱到極點或者冷熱到極點，都用「地獄」來描繪，地獄不是水深火熱嗎？

• English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all). 人類可以分為許多種族（races），但是人類為什麼又稱自己為 human race 呢？

• That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it! 當星星出現時天空一片燦爛（stars are out），而電燈熄滅後（lights are out）周圍一片黑暗，為什麼表示明暗兩個相反的狀態，卻都用同一個out呢？手錶上鍊（Wind up）以後才開始會走，但是我停止寫作的時候，的時候說Wind up my essay。Wind up 既是開始又是結束，這就是矛盾英文