荒腔走板的旅遊英語 - Tendjewberrymud－English is Fun

荒腔走板的旅遊英語 - Tendjewberrymud

Tendjewberrymud 以下是「遠東經濟評論」 (Far East Economic Review) 在 1999 年選出的年度最佳電子郵件。內容敘述一位西方旅客在某一個亞洲旅館房裡點餐（ Room Service ）時，與接線生的一段超精彩對話。

接線生 : "Morny. Ruin sorbees"
房客 : "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."
接線生 :"Rye..Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??"
房客 : "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs"
接線生 : "Ow July den?"
房客 : "What??"
接線生 :"Ow July den?...pry, boy, pooch?"
房客 : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."
接線生 :"Ow July dee bayhcem...crease?"
房客 : "Crisp will be fine."
接線生 : "Hokay. An San tos?"
房客 : "What?"
接線生 :"San tos. July San tos?"
房客 : "I don't think so."
接線生 : "No? Judo one toes??"
房客 : "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo one toes' means."
接線生 : "Toes! toes!...why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow inglish mopping we bother?"
房客 : "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine.
接線生 : "We bother?"
房客 : "No...just put the bother on the side."
接線生 : "Wad?"
房客 : "I mean butter...just put it on the side."
接線生 : "Copy?"
房客 : "Sorry?"
接線生 :"Copy...tea...mill?"
房客 : "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all."
接線生 : "One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem, tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy....rye??"
房客 : "Whatever you say"
接線生 : "Tendjewberrymud!"
房客 : "You're welcome."

大家認為只有亞洲人的英語很差，從以下世界各地旅館、觀光與購物地點的各種告示裡展現的光怪陸離令人噴飯的英文，才知道菜英文和梅花一樣早已滿天下了。

旅館

In a Yugoslavian hotel：The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.
南斯拉夫旅館房間裏的告示：以喜悅之情熨平閣下內衣，是本旅社女傭工作。
Outside a Kashmir Pension: Youth Hostile, $100/Nite.
尼泊爾一家喀什米爾自助旅社：敵對青年入住，每晚十元。（註：把請年旅社Hostel拼錯了。）
In a Paris hotel ：Please leave your values at the front desk.
巴黎的旅館告示：請把貴重之物留在櫃臺

In a Moscow hotel ：If this is your first visit to the USSR, your are welcome to it.
莫斯科一家旅館：假如這是您首次光臨蘇聯，我們歡迎您。（第二次光臨呢？）
In a Copenhagen airline ticket office：We take your bags and send them in all directions.
一家哥本哈根的旅館行李處理告示：我們把你的行李送到不同的地方。
In a Japanese hotel ：You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
一家日本旅館：請不用客氣去佔我們女性服務員的便宜。（原意是不要客氣去利用她們的服務。）
In a Milan pension: No ladies in the bra, she's lounge only.
米蘭一家旅社：女士勿入「胸罩」，只能留在迎客大廳（把 bar 拼錯成 bra了）
In a Tokyo Hotel: Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not person to do such thing is please not to read notice.
東京一家旅館浴室裏的告示：竊取本旅館裏的毛巾是被禁止的，假如您不是這種人，請勿閱讀此告示。
Air conditioner instructions in a Japanese hotel :Cooles and Heates if you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.
日本旅館空調系統使用說明：假如您要調整房間冷熱溫度，請控制你自己。
In another Japanese hotel room: Please to bathe inside the tub.
另一家日本旅館浴室裏的告示：請在浴缸內洗澡。
In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
羅馬尼亞的布加勒斯特的旅館大廳：電梯會在次日維修，本店對您令人難以忍受的態度表示遺憾。
In a Belgrade hotel elevator: To more the cabin, push wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going toalphabetically by national order.
南斯拉夫貝爾格來特旅館電梯使用說明：電梯裏的眾人：請按所希望的樓層。假如電梯裡進來更多的人，每一個人都要按所希望樓層的號碼。然後電梯會依照各國的字母順序開動。
In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9and 11 am daily.
希臘雅典旅館接待櫃臺：我們期望旅客們每日上午九時到十一時前來櫃臺提出您的怨言。
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
蘇聯莫斯科旅遊景點之一的東正教墓園告示：歡迎參觀本墓園，除每週四外這裡有許多有名的帝俄和蘇聯時代的作曲家、藝術家和作家每日安葬於此。
In a Vienna hotel: In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter.
維也納的旅館警語：火警時，請儘量先告知旅館跑堂。
In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.
瑞士蘇黎世旅館告示：由於在旅館房間內款待娛樂異性有所不當，請將該事改在大堂進行。

In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today -- no ice cream.
瑞士登山客棧：好消息：今日不供應冰淇淋。
Sign in a hotel in London：All fire extinguishers must be tested at least five days before any fire.
倫敦旅館的防火警語：所有的滅火器必須在發生火災前測試五日。
Sign by an elevator in a hotel in Doha: Please do not use this lift when it is not working
中東達卡的一家旅館告示：電梯故障時請勿使用。
Sign in a Tel Aviv hotel：If you wish breakfast, lift the telephone and our waitress will arrive. This will be enough to bring up your food.
假如想要早餐請提起電話，我們的女侍就會到達，這將足以帶給您所要的服務。
From the Taipan Hotel in Bangkok: Please maintain temperature a 1 degree from 25, any higher or lower will only make the room hotter or colder.
曼谷一家旅館：請將室內溫度保持在25度上下一度，高於或低於此溫度將導致客房更熱或更冷。
Sign in French swimming pool： Swimming Forbidden In The Absence of A Saviour.
法國旅館的游泳池警語：救世主不在場時旅客不得進入游泳池。（救生員是Life Guard不是Saviour。Saviour是指像耶穌這樣的救世主。）
Sign in Istanbul hotel：To call room service, please open the door and call room service.
土耳其伊斯坦堡一家旅館：要求客房服務者，請打開房門，然後打電話請求要客房服務。
Sign in a Sri Lanka swimming pool：Do not use the diving board when the swimming pool is empty.
史里蘭卡一家旅館游泳池邊的警語：游泳池未注水時，請勿使用跳板。
Shower cap in a box in an Italian hotel：Fits One Head Only.
一家義大利旅館浴帽使用說明：只能容納一個頭顱。
On the faucet in a Finnish washroom: To stop the drip, turn cock to right.
一家芬蘭旅館的廁所水龍頭標示：防止滴漏，請把『那話兒』向右擰緊。（cock有男人生殖器和控制閥的雙重意思，但後者是罕用字。）
At a Seoul hotel desk: Choose twin bed or marriage size, we regret no King Kong size.
一家韓國漢城的旅館櫃臺上的告示：我們的客房提供二張床、一張夫婦合睡的大床。抱歉我們沒有提供「人猿金剛」級的超級大床。（一班兩人合睡的大床稱為double bed，而不是marriage size。比double更大的床稱為king size，不是King Kong size。）
At a Mexico city hotel desk: MAD Service Daily 8 – 12
一家墨西哥市的旅館櫃臺：每日八時至十二時提供瘋狂服務。（把MAID Service女傭清潔服務拼錯成為瘋狂服務MAD Service）
Sign in an Ankara hotel ：Please hang your order before retiring on your doorknob.
土耳其安卡拉一家旅館：請在門把上休息前把訂單掛起來。（又不是跳蚤，如何在門把上休息？）
Hotel room notice, Chiang-Mai, Thailand: Please do not bring solicitors into your room.
泰國清邁旅館告示：請勿帶律師進入客房。（莫非是防止發生捉姦事件？本意其實是勿把推銷特產的商販帶入客房。Solicitor是英式英文裡「律師」的意思，一般則指「登門求售者」。）
Hotel brochure in Italy: This hotel is renowned for its peace and solitude. In fact, crowds from all over the world flock here to enjoy its solitude.
義大利一家旅館的宣傳手冊：本旅館以僻靜聞名。事實上世界各地賓客蜂擁而至，就是為了來此享受孤獨之樂。
Hotel notice in Bulgaria: The inhabitants of the hotel are kindly asked to keep clean. They are expected also to use the various objects in the rooms only according to their predestination.
保加利亞的一家旅館告示：本旅館的住客請注意保持自己的清潔。他們被要求根據事先認定的方式使用旅館裡的各種設施。
Hotel bedroom notice in Rome: FIRE! It is what can doing we hope. No fear. Not ourselves. Say quickly to all people coming up down everywhere a prayer. Always is a clerk. He is assured of safety by expert men who are in the bar for telephone for the fighters of the fire come out.
火災！這是我們所能期望的。勿驚恐，不是我們自己。趕快告訴每一個下樓來的人祈禱。經常是一個職員，他是被專家認可的一個安全可靠的人，他在酒吧裡打電話給來自火裡的消防隊員。

餐館與酒吧
From a Swiss restaurant menu ：Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
瑞士餐館菜單：我們提供的美酒讓你覺得今生無所指望。

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge： Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
挪威的一家酒吧：女士們請勿在此生小孩（原意是女士請勿攜帶小孩進入本吧。）
In a Tokyo bar: Special cocktails for the lady with nuts.
In The Restaurant des Artistes, Montmarte, France: We serve five o' clock tea at all hours.
一家法國餐廳：我們一天二十四小時隨時供應下午茶。
In a Japanese restaurant: Open seven days a week, and weekends too.
一家日本餐廳入口標示：本餐廳每週七日皆對外營業，週末亦復如此。
The menu of a Chinese restaurant at Beijing: Delicious Fish Soap.
一家北京中國餐館菜單：可口的鮮魚肥皂。(註：把魚湯給拼成肥皂了。)
The menu of a Vietnamese restaurant at Ho-chi-ming City: Pork with Fresh Garbage.
一家越南胡志明市的餐廳菜單：豬肉清炒新鮮垃圾。（註：把包心菜Cabbage拼錯成垃圾了。）
The menu of a Jakarta restaurant: Toes with butter and jam.
印尼雅加達一家餐廳的菜單：塗上牛油與果醬的腳指頭。（註：把土司麵包toast拼錯成腳指頭了。）
Sign for a restaurant in Jakarta: Lunch served from 12:30 to mid-October
一家印尼雅加達的旅館告示：本餐廳午餐從中午十二點半起一直提供到十月中旬為止。
A Chinese cookie reads：This is only a fortune cookie thing, generated at randon by computer. We are not libel for any loss or damage cause by or arising from the use of the information herein.
一家中國餐廳幸運餅乾打開後的警語：這是從電腦隨機產生的籤語玩意兒，我們對因相信籤語所造成的任何損害均不負責。
Seen while traveling in the Yucatan Peninsula : Broken English spoken perfectly
墨西哥餐廳吸引美國觀光客的店招：「把洋經梆英文說得最標準的店」

旅遊與購物
From a Tokyo car rental brochure： When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigour.
日本租車手冊：當看到旅客的腳的時候..按喇叭。一開始喇叭要按得很有旋律，但是他如果還阻擋你的去路的話，就用力按喇叭。
From Osaka International Airport: Your Shoe Sunshine Here!
日本大阪關西國際機場：閣下皮鞋在此燦若陽光。（把shine寫錯成sunshine）
Sign in Japanese public bath: Foreign guests are requested not to pull cock in tub.
日本一處公共溫泉告示：外國賓客請勿在浴池裡拉扯「那話兒」。（Cock有水龍頭和男人性器官的雙重意思。）
In a Nice Gift Shop: Our Police: No Return, No Exchange.
法國度假勝地尼斯的一家禮品店告示：本店警察：不得要求退貨或換貨。（註：把Policy寫成Police）
In a Mexico Bus: Keep all fours in bus – eyes only out window.
墨西哥觀光巴士告示：把四肢放在車內，只准眼睛放在窗外。
In a Paris Jewelry window: Watch guts repaired.
一家巴黎珠寶店櫥窗：「請看整理過的內臟」（其實要表達的是「修理好的『錶心』- watch guts」
On an Italian train: Water not potatoble.
在義大利火車上：「瓶裝水沒有馬鈴薯」（把portable 拼錯了，原意是請勿帶走瓶裝水。）
At a museum in Madrid: Children must enter with parrots.
西班牙馬德里一個博物館入口處：兒童必須與鸚鵡一起入內。（註：把父母親parents這個字拼錯了。）
From a Majorcan shop: English well talking. Here speaching American.
一家西班牙禮品店招徠觀光客：英語會說，美語也通。
In a Hong Kong supermarket: For your convenience, we recommend courageous, efficient self-service. 香港超級市場告示：我們建議您勇於自我服務。
Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
香港一家訂製西服店的店招：女士們請上樓配對。（fit在此有試身和匹配雙重意思。）
In a Bangkok dry cleaner's: Drop your trousers here for best results.
曼谷一家乾洗店招徠客戶的大膽手法：在此脫下你的褲子，得到最滿意的結果。
Outside a Paris dress shop: Dresses for street walking.
巴黎一家服裝店的廣告：讓您招徠恩客的美服（street walking指阻街女郎上街招徠恩客，其實要表達的是「逛街用的洋裝。」）
In a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summer suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.
希臘愛琴海上一個度假島嶼的西裝店店招：快來訂做您的夏天西裝，因為來者太多本店將嚴格按照先後順序處決顧客。（註：execute有處決囚犯和執行事物雙重意思）
Soviet Weekly: There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.
一份蘇聯的觀光刊物：莫斯科藝術博覽會有15,000名蘇聯畫家與雕刻家參加，他們在過去兩年內被行刑完畢。（註：executed在這裡應該改為exhibited被展出就對了。）
In a barbershop in Tokyo: All customers promptly executed.
又一個處死觀光客的案例：一家東京理髮店本店迅速處死顧客。
In an East African newspaper: A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers.
東非一家英文報紙報導一座游泳池施工的進度：在施工單位把許多工人扔到池子裡之後，游泳池總算看到一個樣子了。
A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.
德國觀光景點黑森林告示：森林公園露營場地禁止性別不同人士，如男性與女性，住在同一帳棚內，但為此目的而結婚者除外。
In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.
一家羅馬觀光客診所標示：專精於女人與其他疾病。
In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.
香港牙科診所的標示：由最近皈依教會的循理教士為您拔牙。（Methodist是基督教中的一個教派，中譯為「循禮會」。原意是「本診所用最新的方法-latest methodology為您拔牙」）
In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time. 一家羅馬的洗衣店敬告觀光客：女士們：留下你們的衣物於此，然後享樂一下午。
In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: Take one of our horse-driven city tours -- we guarantee no miscarriages.
捷克觀光局標語：光顧一小時的馬車城市漫遊，保證不會造成流產。（miscarriage有婦女流產和沒有成功的雙重意思。）
Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?
泰國觀光景點招徠旅客騎驢：您想坐在自己的屁股上嗎？（ass有驢子和屁股雙重意思。）
In the window of a Swedish furrier: Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin.
瑞典一家皮草店的櫥窗：用女士自己皮膚做成的皮毛大衣。
On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: Guaranteed to work throughout its useful life. 香港鐘錶店賣出鐘錶的英文保單：保證在可用之年行走無誤。
At a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.
保加利亞布達佩斯動物園給觀光客的建議:請勿餵食動物，如有合適之食物，請交給當值之警衛。
In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.
曼谷佛寺入口處警語：女士禁止進入，即使是穿得像男人一樣的外國人也不得進入。
Outside a copier in India: We make photocopies in all languages.
印度一家影印店店招：本店複印各國語文之文件。

From a Tanzanian newspaper ad：Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool as you drink it all in.
東非坦桑尼亞的英文報紙廣告：本店飽覽撼動人心的吉利馬札羅火山上的景色，倘佯在可愛的游泳池中飲盡所有池水。
In a butcher shop in Nahariyya, Israel: I slaughter myself twice daily.
以色列一家肉店：我每日屠宰自己二次。（原意為本店每日殺牲二次，以保肉質新鮮。）
At a Greek harbor side：No hooking here.
希臘港邊警語：本處禁止賣春。(原意是禁止釣魚，但hook這個字常被暗指為妓女hooker當街兜纜生意。)
In a barbershop in Zanzibar: Gentlemen's throats cut with nice sharp razors.
非洲桑比亞的一家觀光客理髮店：用銳利的刀片切割男士們的喉嚨。
In the window of a travel agency in Barcelona: Go away.
西班牙巴塞隆納的觀光局意義深遠一語雙關的旅遊口號：遠走高飛（走遠點去觀光？還是走遠點別吵我午睡？）
Sign outside a barbershop in Beijing: Haircuts half price today. Only one per customer
北京一家觀光客理髮店促銷廣告：本日理髮半價，每一顧客只能理一次。
Sign outside Mexican disco：Members and non-members only.
一家墨西哥夜總會門前：本店僅招待會員與非會員。
Sign On a German beach: No boots allowed on the bitch.
德國海邊告示牌：不許用皮靴踐踏母狗（其實是想說「海邊沙灘禁止穿著皮靴」）
Book title： Correctly English in 100 days.
書名：百日內改正你的英文（文法出錯的英文書名）
A sign in front of an advertising agency in south superhighway, Philippines : "A BUSINESS WITH NO SIGN IS A SIGN OF NO BUSINESS"
這是在公路上一家招攬路邊廣告的廣告公司的標語:「沒有招牌的企業，就是沒有業務的象徵」
Barber-shop notice in Bombay: Hair-cutter and clean shaver. Gentlemen's throats cut with very sharp razors with great care and skill. No irritating feeling afterwards.
印度龐貝城一家觀光客理髮店告示：在此理髮與刮鬍子：用非常鋒利的刀片和高超的技巧小心割斷男士的喉嚨。保證侍候無刺痛感。
使用說明
On a Taiwanese shampoo - Use Repeatedly For Severe Damage
台灣出口的洗髮精：請重複使用以便造成嚴重傷害。
On a New Zealand insect spray：This Product Not Tested On Animals
紐西蘭的殺蟲劑標示：本產品未經動物試驗。
On a box of Christmas light made in China: Indoor and outdoor use only.
一盒由中國製造的聖誕燈泡上的標示：僅限於室內與室外使用。
In an owner’s manual of a food processor made in Japan: Not to be used for other use.
一台日本製的食物調理機的英文使用手冊上的說明：本機不得使用於其他用途。
On a Japanese game software manual: Hit mouth in two times rapid succession, move mouth so cursor will appear on the monitor.
一套日本遊戲軟體上的英文安裝說明：連續迅速敲擊嘴巴兩次，然後移動嘴巴游標就會出現在螢幕上。（把滑鼠mouse寫成了嘴巴。）